First Movements!!!

Just a quick post:


Tonight I felt baby kick for the first time!!!!! I remember what an amazing feeling it is, and am SO glad that I have the opportunity to get to experience the joy of pregnancy again! It makes it so much more real when you start feeling movement! I cannot wait to meet this little one!!!! I absolutely love being pregnant!!!

2nd Trimester and a family update.

As of today, I am officially in my second trimester!!!! I haven't blogged about this pregnancy until now because it seemed strange at first. This pregnancy has felt extremely surreal.....so, I wanted to wait to blog about it. I did mention it on facebook, but blogger seemed so much more official to me.....I'm not really sure why. It makes no sense, but it made sense in my head....lol

SO, I am 13 weeks and 3 days today and am due March 19th. I've been so lucky this time around. I've had minimal nausea and other negative pregnancy symptoms. I've had many food aversions. So far, I cannot really deal with Mexican food, burgers, onions and garlic, Italian food (shocker).......in reality the aversions change depending on my mood. As far as cravings go, they are like the aversions. They change depending on my mood. I've wanted pineapple, mashed potatoes (same as with B), watermelon (which didn't work out so well), and Chinese food, particularly rice. I'm sure there have been more things I've wanted, but that is all I can think of right now.

On the baby front- everything is looking great! Baby's heart rate is typically in the 160s. I ~may~ have felt some light kicks, but I am not saying definitively so. All of my appointments have gone well, and at my 3 ultrasounds I have had so far, there has been lots of growth and development!

Brian and I are super excited to be bringing another baby into our family! We've tried explaining the concept to Brandon, but he is still not completely grasping it. I assume that is normal behavior for a 31 month old. When we first told him that Mommy has a baby in her tummy, he insisted he had a baby in his tummy too. It was very cute. Now, when I ask him where the baby is, he points to my tummy, so perhaps he is beginning to understand a little better. I plan on reading him a variety of books about the subject, and introducing him to as many experiences with babies as I can before this little one comes along. He's probably the most easy going child on the planet, so I am sure that he will adjust relatively well.

Brian deployed in the middle of August, and we have been adjusting to life without him here. We are adapting to the best of our abilities, but we do miss having him around. He will be gone until mid-August 2011....the time can't go by quickly enough. Brandon has responded quite well to him being gone. He asks about him regularly, and we talk about where Daddy is and what he is doing. He seems to be ok with the fact that Daddy is in Iraq working hard. We say Daddy Prayers every night, and kiss Daddy's pictures all the time. He has gotten to talk to Brian a few times and loves it every time. Hopefully, once Brian gets his computer, we will be able to skype with him and they will be able to see each other.

Brandon is growing like a little weed and is just the smartest little boy I know! He weighs about 42 pounds and is about 40 inches tall. He wears a size 4T/5T and a size 8-9 shoe. He is known as the "little Einstein" of his class and the education specialists are bringing in higher level (3-4 year) work for him to do because he is bored with what they are learning in class. Every time I hear someone compliment his intelligence, Brian and I are just filled with joy. He's amazing, and everyday he does something else to amaze us. Some cute little quirks he has lately are:
-singing the theme songs to his favorite shows
-calling himself, "so weird."
-telling me, "I told you" when he wants something. For example, "I told you I have to get juice." He gets that from me because when I tell him not to do something because he can hurt himself but he does it anyway, I tell him that I told him he was going to hurt himself.
-when he jumps, he leans over as far as he can, puts his arms behind him and stays in that position for a LONG time, then jumps.
-he points out EVERY tractor (and reminds me that they move sand), school bus, big truck, motorcycle (of bike as he calls it), and helicopter (pronounced helitocker) he sees.
-his favorite thing to do is watch the dump truck pick up trash.
-he loves Thomas the Train, Ni Hao Kai Lan, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Monster's Inc.
-he loves to color, play with play dough, lace beads, paint, run, jump, swim, read, and play with his trains.

He is an awesome little boy. :)

We are all doing quite well, and are looking forward to the new addition to our family!

Our Second Angel

I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time now. However, every time I attempt to attack the overwhelming emotions that come with this post, I find myself with nothing to say. Even now, I can't seem to be able to capture how I really feel in words. So, I suppose just simply stating what happened will be the best approach. Some of the specific dates are a little fuzzy, so bear with me.

Tuesday April 20th was my first OB appointment. The previous Saturday I had some light brown spotting, but I wasn't worried. Having had a miscarriage before, I knew that brown blood was not necessarily indicative of a miscarriage. It only happened the one time, and was not accompanied by cramps or anything else alarming. I went into my first OB appointment confident that everything was ok. I briefly mentioned it to the nurse taking my information, and she ordered a quantitative hcg and same day appointment with the OB. I went to the lab to have my blood work done and told Brian to go back to work. I was ~that~ confident that everything was ok. I went back to the doctor that afternoon thinking I was going to be given my hcg results and sent on my way. Boy, was I wrong. To my surprise, the wanted to do an ultrasound. My hcg came back as pregnant. The exact number escapes me at the moment, but it was substantial enough to be considered pregnant. During the ultrasound, the doctor did not see any fetal material in the gestational sac. The sac was there, but there was no fetal pole or material that could be discerned. During the pelvic exam, he noted that my cervix was slightly open and determined based on the ultrasound and exam that I was considered a threatened miscarriage. I was told to come back 48 hours later to re-do the hcg and ultrasound. At that point, hope was lost and we started preparing for the worst.

Thursday April 22 Brian and I returned to the clinic expecting to hear the worst. The hcg result was borderline acceptable, and the ultrasound was repeated. In the ultrasound, they noticed a small shadow that they thought could be a yolk sac. To our surprise, hope started creeping back in. So much so that we even started to get excited. Brian started talking to my belly and rubbing it telling our baby to grow big and strong. Brandon would point to my belly and say, "Baby!" It was really sweet. We were told to come back on Monday for a repeat hcg check and ultrasound.

Monday April 26, we went back to the OB clinic for another check. The hcg results did not perform to their standards, though they did increase close to what they hoped. They went from 3800 to 7000. The ultrasound still do not show much growth, and at that point they were concerned again. So, they requested I have an emergency ultrasound with radiology since they have better equipment. My ultrasound was scheduled for Tuesday, so fortunately I didn't have to wait too long. We were back to worrying.

Tuesday April 27 was ultrasound day. Oh my goodness, the having to fill my bladder and not pee was HORRIBLE!!! It hurt SO bad!! After the ultrasound I had to go to the OB clinic to get the results. The radiology ultrasound did not show any fetal material, but they still wanted to wait a few more days to make any conclusive decisions. They requested that I do an hcg repeat and possible repeat ultrasound Friday. The waiting is just beginning to be obnoxious at this point. Brian and I are both mentally exhausted and ready to get off the roller coaster.

Friday April 30 was decision day. The hcg did not increase nearly enough, and the decision was made to schedule a D&C. We scheduled the D&C for the following Friday, May 7th.

Many tears were shed over the course of all of the appointments. It was devastating.....exactly as devastating as the first time. It is incredibly unfair that these kinds of things happen. We are "ok", if that is even really possible, when losing a baby. We know that early miscarriages indicate a chromosomal abnormality and that it is for the best. It doesn't make it any easier, and doesn't make it any less a loss. I think that hardest part for us is the what now aspect.

So, what now? Well, the OBs have requested a fertility work-up for both Brian and I. I'm not sure what my workup entails, but we know that Brian's consists of a blood draw and semen sample. We will go get his labs done when he gets back from NTC (he left May 15th for a month) and hopefully my lab work can be done around the same time if not before. I actually go to the lab next week to check my hcg to see if it has reduced back to 0. If so, then I can begin my testing. I am not entirely sure what tests are going to be done, so I will update on that when I know.

We will be trying to get pregnant again over the next couple of months that Brian is home. He deploys to Iraq sometime mid August, so we have a couple of months to try. If it happens, great. If not, then we will just try again when he gets home.

So, it is with heavy hearts that we have sent another angel off to be with their sibling in heaven. We will love you and remember you always. <3

The latest......

My radiology ultrasound was at 9am this morning. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I had to have a full bladder, which sucked! The strange part was the fact that neither Brian or I were allowed to see the screen during the ultrasound. Apparently, our appointment was scheduled as an emergency, so hospital policy is that the doctor must be the one to disclose the results. It was quite irritating.

After our appointment with radiology, we had to go to the OB clinic to have the results given to us. Surprisingly, we weren't waiting too long. The doctor that we saw today was really nice....another surprise. And, that is where the surprises ended.

The ultrasound didn't show any growth. Actually, I am still measuring at 5 weeks 5 days. There doesn't seem to be evidence of a yolk sac within the gestational sac either. That is concerning, but apparently not concerning enough to schedule a D&C.

So....what do we do now?

We wait. Yep....still waiting.

I have another appointment on Friday to recheck my beta levels and have another ultrasound. At that point, if there is no progress we will schedule a D&C.

While that may be a terrible result, I feel a huge sense of relief. I feel relief for a number of reasons. While the appointment was ultimately a negative one for the pregnancy, we got a lot of questions answered. If I do in fact have to have a D&C, the next step is a fertility workup for both Brian and I. Just knowing that they are taking my history seriously, and acknowledging that two miscarriages are concerning, helps ease my fears. Brian will have his workup done before he leaves for NTC at the beginning of May. Mine will be done after my hcg levels have returned to a non-pregnant number. The results generally take 2 weeks to come back, so by the time Brian gets back from NTC we should be able to go over the results with a genetic counselor. The doctor did mention that it is rare that anything concerning ever comes back, but it can't hurt to check. Another relief is that if a D&C is done, they will send the tissue off to pathology to have them test. It isn't extremely likely they will find anything other than a chromosomal abnormality as the cause of the miscarriage, but at least they are being proactive. Finally, and perhaps the most comforting aspect of today's appointment, we were told that when I do become pregnant, I will be considered high risk and followed closely in my first trimester. This makes me feel so much better as I was afraid military doctors would just lump me into the category of just another pregnancy. So, knowing they are going to take extra precautions and keep a closer eye on me....well, that makes me feel so much more comfortable.

So, while the outcome of this appointment may not have been what we were hoping for, it was productive nonetheless.

So, we are back to waiting.

Monday Update

I had my OB appointment today to check my beta levels and have another ultrasound. I did my blood work at 10am and scheduled the OB appointment for 1:45. So, naturally, at 3:30 we were seen. Ugh. Anyway, my beta level went up from 3800 to over 7000. So, that is looking good. The problem is the ultrasound. There isn't anything showing up in the gestational sac. At this point, we aren't really sure what is going on. The OB recommended that I go to radiology and have an ultrasound because their department has better equipment than the woman's clinic. The ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9am. I am sick with anxiety. I really cannot stand this back and forth business. I really just want to know what is going to happen.....either way.

At this point, there are one of three possibilities.
1.) It is just too early for something to show up on the ultrasound. (This is unlikely as I should be at least 6 weeks....but probably further along.)
2.) There is a fetal pole, but the ultrasound machine in the woman's clinic can't see it for whatever reason.
3.) I am having a missed miscarriage.

Ultimately, I am fine with either possibility. I would be thrilled if it were one of the first two, but if for some reason I am meant to miscarry this pregnancy, I know that it is due to some chromosomal abnormality. I would much rather miscarry than have an unhealthy baby.

So, I understand. I just need to know. I need to know if I can celebrate, or if I should start the grieving process.

Waiting is killing me.

Wow, what a few days it has been!

And just think....it isn't over yet.

My first OB appointment was this past Tuesday. It was just a routine paperwork, bloodwork, congrats appointment as we were expecting. I mentioned to the nurse that I had some very very minor spotting Saturday night, but wasn't concerned because it was brown blood. The nurse told me to come back that afternoon to get my quantitative hcg results and let the doctor see me. After running to class to take an exam, I went back to the clinic to talk to the doctor.

The visit was nothing like I expected. I was prepared for them to give me some beta numbers and tell me to go on my way, or to come back for another quantitative to make sure the numbers were doubling. My beta was 21,000 so within the normal range. The doctor did an ultrasound to take a look at the baby, which I was really excited about. My excitement quickly turned into fear and devastation. After initially having difficulty locating anything in the uterus, an empty gestational sac was found. After the ultrasound, the doctor did a pelvic exam and noticed my cervix was slightly open. Based on the condition of my cervix and the lack of fetal material in the gestational sac, the doctor said miscarriage was imminent. He did reassure me that it could just be too early, and my dates could be off. He also said that he had a difficult time seeing through my bladder into my uterus, so that could have been a problem as well. He requested I return on Monday. I was devastated! I've been down the miscarriage road before, and it is a place I never want to go again. I left the doctor's office not knowing what was going on. I just knew that I was supposed to wait until Monday to figure out what was going on.

Only.....I SUCK at waiting. I called the clinic and got permission to have my hcg level rechecked 48 hours later. So, this morning, I went over to the lab, got my blood drawn and scheduled a 2:15 appointment to get my results. It was the LONGEST morning/afternoon of my life! Finally, Brian and I were called back to see the doctor. We saw the same doctor that I saw on Tuesday. Surprisingly, my beta level went up to over 3800. It didn't quite double, but it did go up significantly. Next on the agenda was another ultrasound. As I'm laying on the table, anxiously awaiting any glimmer of home from the doctor, he states again that he cannot see anything in the sac. So, we are back to the miscarriage diagnosis. Damn. Not ideal. He leaves to double check with some other OB doctors (did I mention that he is not an OB, but a resident?) and to also check into getting me some medication to start the miscarriage process. When he left, he didn't turn the ultrasound machine off, and the picture of the sac was still on the screen. I took a good look at it, and thought that I saw something inside of it. I showed Brian, and he saw it too. So, we decided to bring it up to the doctor when he came back into the room.

When he returns, he says that it appears that there is some fetal material in the sac, and that it is still possible that I am measuring early. The gestational sac has me measuring at 5 weeks 5 days, and based on the ultrasound I am right where I should be for 5 weeks 5 days. Whew!

We aren't out of the woods yet. I have another quantitative hcg check and ultrasound on Monday. For now, we are cautiously optimistic, but optimistic nonetheless.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We really do appreciate it!

6-ish weeks

Hello everyone! :)

I am approximately 6 weeks along. I say approximately because I don't quite remember if my cycle was to start the last day or two of February or the first day or two of March. My first OB appointment is April 20th. So, 8 days!! I can't wait!! I probably won't get an ultrasound or anything, but just knowing that I have something pregnancy related going on is exciting.

No symptoms to speak of really. My girls are a little sore. Sometimes I feel a little queasy, but it never lasts and isn't consistent. No heartburn. Minor tiredness. So, pretty lucky thus far. Although, if I remember correctly, my symptoms didn't really start with B until I was 7-8 weeks. We'll see. I'm torn because I want symptoms, but dread symptoms. I want the symptoms so this all feels a bit more real to me, but dread them for the obvious reasons.

I'm still dealing with the shock of this whole thing. I have moments of panic when I think about the fact that Brian will be deployed when this little miracle is due. To think that I will be here, with B and a newborn.....all by myself......for almost 9 months.....well, frankly, it scares the hell out of me. I'm not sure how I'm going to juggle a toddler, a newborn, school, household responsibilities, and dealing with a deployment by myself. It is going to make for an interesting time, I'm sure. Aside from the few moments of panic, I'm thrilled to be experiencing this again. I don't take it for granted for a second, and know how blessed I am to be able to conceive with such ease. My heart aches for those that struggle with fertility.

Cute B story- We told him the other day that I had a baby in my tummy. He said, "I have a baby in my tummy too!!!" Heh....he said this as he lifts his shirt and points to his belly. It was so cute!! :) He has NO idea what is in store for him. :)

Later, I will post a belly pic. I have to have Brian take it for me. I think I am going to try to do them bi-weekly this time around. It should be a little easier to keep track of and better for blogging purposes. :)

That's all for now!

Our Family is Growing!

We are happy to announce that we are now expecting baby number 2 sometime in early December 2010!!! While it was ~kind~ of unexpected, we are thrilled!

Originally, we were going to use natural family planning to avoid pregnancy until July/August. This would allow my body to be rid of any hormones in birth control pills, and we were going to start actively trying to conceive in July or August before Brian deploys to Iraq again. After discussing some options and re-evaluating, we were going to put off having a baby until Brian got home from his deployment in August 2011. I saw my OB/GYN and got a prescription for more birth control and was told to wait until my next cycle started before beginning it. Well, my next cycle ~should~ have shown up over the past couple of days. There has been absolutely no sign of the arrival of my cycle, and being the control freak, planning person that I am, I had to take a test.

Naturally, my obsession got the best of me at midnight last night. So, like the awesome husband he is, Brian drove to Walmart at midnight to get me a box of pregnancy tests. I requested the box of 3 because, yes....I am OCD like that. So, hubby comes home with said pregnancy tests and I hurry to take one right away.

TWO LINES!!! Holy crap!!! Nervous laughter set in at this point, and I called for Brian to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Nope....he saw them both. Clear as day really.

An hour later (so if you are keeping track, that would be roughly 1:30ish) I take another. Still 2 lines. Eeeek!!!

My thoughts and my heart were racing! I am a planner. How could I let an "unplanned" pregnancy happen? I feel like a huge hypocrite as I have always said I would always plan my babies. While technically, we knew what we were doing at the time and knew what the consequences would be, it wasn't our most organized plan. Ideally, Brian would be home for the entire pregancny and the whole first year. That is not going to be the case. He leaves July/August time frame. So, he will miss the birth and the first 7-8 months of the baby's life. It's sad. I hate knowing that he is going to miss everything again. It sucks. Stupid wars.

So, despite some of the unfortunate circumstances, we are thrilled to be welcoming another little miracle to our family! I'd almost say we are more excited now that we know the beauty and wonder a baby brings. We have been SO blessed with Brandon and knowing that we are going to see him in a whole different dynamic is exciting. He is going to make an excellent big brother! Now.....we REALLY need to get him potty trained! Hahaha