Thursday, May 27, 2010

Our Second Angel

I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time now. However, every time I attempt to attack the overwhelming emotions that come with this post, I find myself with nothing to say. Even now, I can't seem to be able to capture how I really feel in words. So, I suppose just simply stating what happened will be the best approach. Some of the specific dates are a little fuzzy, so bear with me.

Tuesday April 20th was my first OB appointment. The previous Saturday I had some light brown spotting, but I wasn't worried. Having had a miscarriage before, I knew that brown blood was not necessarily indicative of a miscarriage. It only happened the one time, and was not accompanied by cramps or anything else alarming. I went into my first OB appointment confident that everything was ok. I briefly mentioned it to the nurse taking my information, and she ordered a quantitative hcg and same day appointment with the OB. I went to the lab to have my blood work done and told Brian to go back to work. I was ~that~ confident that everything was ok. I went back to the doctor that afternoon thinking I was going to be given my hcg results and sent on my way. Boy, was I wrong. To my surprise, the wanted to do an ultrasound. My hcg came back as pregnant. The exact number escapes me at the moment, but it was substantial enough to be considered pregnant. During the ultrasound, the doctor did not see any fetal material in the gestational sac. The sac was there, but there was no fetal pole or material that could be discerned. During the pelvic exam, he noted that my cervix was slightly open and determined based on the ultrasound and exam that I was considered a threatened miscarriage. I was told to come back 48 hours later to re-do the hcg and ultrasound. At that point, hope was lost and we started preparing for the worst.

Thursday April 22 Brian and I returned to the clinic expecting to hear the worst. The hcg result was borderline acceptable, and the ultrasound was repeated. In the ultrasound, they noticed a small shadow that they thought could be a yolk sac. To our surprise, hope started creeping back in. So much so that we even started to get excited. Brian started talking to my belly and rubbing it telling our baby to grow big and strong. Brandon would point to my belly and say, "Baby!" It was really sweet. We were told to come back on Monday for a repeat hcg check and ultrasound.

Monday April 26, we went back to the OB clinic for another check. The hcg results did not perform to their standards, though they did increase close to what they hoped. They went from 3800 to 7000. The ultrasound still do not show much growth, and at that point they were concerned again. So, they requested I have an emergency ultrasound with radiology since they have better equipment. My ultrasound was scheduled for Tuesday, so fortunately I didn't have to wait too long. We were back to worrying.

Tuesday April 27 was ultrasound day. Oh my goodness, the having to fill my bladder and not pee was HORRIBLE!!! It hurt SO bad!! After the ultrasound I had to go to the OB clinic to get the results. The radiology ultrasound did not show any fetal material, but they still wanted to wait a few more days to make any conclusive decisions. They requested that I do an hcg repeat and possible repeat ultrasound Friday. The waiting is just beginning to be obnoxious at this point. Brian and I are both mentally exhausted and ready to get off the roller coaster.

Friday April 30 was decision day. The hcg did not increase nearly enough, and the decision was made to schedule a D&C. We scheduled the D&C for the following Friday, May 7th.

Many tears were shed over the course of all of the appointments. It was devastating.....exactly as devastating as the first time. It is incredibly unfair that these kinds of things happen. We are "ok", if that is even really possible, when losing a baby. We know that early miscarriages indicate a chromosomal abnormality and that it is for the best. It doesn't make it any easier, and doesn't make it any less a loss. I think that hardest part for us is the what now aspect.

So, what now? Well, the OBs have requested a fertility work-up for both Brian and I. I'm not sure what my workup entails, but we know that Brian's consists of a blood draw and semen sample. We will go get his labs done when he gets back from NTC (he left May 15th for a month) and hopefully my lab work can be done around the same time if not before. I actually go to the lab next week to check my hcg to see if it has reduced back to 0. If so, then I can begin my testing. I am not entirely sure what tests are going to be done, so I will update on that when I know.

We will be trying to get pregnant again over the next couple of months that Brian is home. He deploys to Iraq sometime mid August, so we have a couple of months to try. If it happens, great. If not, then we will just try again when he gets home.

So, it is with heavy hearts that we have sent another angel off to be with their sibling in heaven. We will love you and remember you always. <3