I just want to remember this....

Considering how much my life is about to change, I just wanted to take a moment to focus on the wonderful things that I have in my life before our son is born. I really do have so many things to be thankful for, and I don't ever want to forget these things. I know that once Brandon gets here, my life is going to be so consumed with him and being a Mommy, but right now, I am so blessed just being Becky.

First off, I have my husband. I am seriously so blessed to have such a wonderful, loving, and supportive husband. Sure, he has his "man moments," but overall, he is phenominal. He works so hard, and asks for nothing in return. It is truly amazing to know that I am loved so much by this wonderful man. He really knows me, and wants to know me, and is happy with just me. I love that we can sit in the same room and not have to speak to each other, yet we are completely comfortable and know that no words need to be spoken. Our relationship is the perfect definition of home. He genuinely cares about my well-being and my happiness. For him, I am truly blessed.

Next, and this may sound ridiculous to some, but I have the best pets on earth!!! I know that some people do not value their animals as much as I do, and that is their own choice. My pets are my babies, and I love them more than anything!! I absolutely love waking up and snuggling with my Emily. She is the kindest, most gentle dog I have ever met. My heart melts when I look at her. She is just so sweet and loving. Then, there is Kitters. Heh, she is a fiesty and fat kitty and I wouldn't change a thing about her. It is amazing how much personality a cat can have. I love snuggling up on the couch with her and taking our naps. So, yeah, my pets are awesome.

I have some great friends!!! Granted, some friends are better than others, but overall, I have amazing friends. I know the friends that I have I can count on, and will always support me. It's amazing how close you can become with someone in such a small amount of time. I have friends that I know will be there for me regardless of the circumstances. It's such a relief to know that no matter what happens, people will be there to help you and give you all the support needed. To these people (you know who you are) I am forever grateful and I love you all dearly.

My family....wow. This one is suprising to me. As I have gotten older, I have grown to appreciate my family so much more. I have a great Mom that has become more a best friend than a mother. My sisters are miracles. Suprisingly, I have started to rebuild a relationship with my Dad and that is something I never thought would happen. My In-laws are fantastic as well. I could not chosen better in-laws. Everyone in my family is so supportive. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful support system.

I just wanted to take a quick look at the things in my life that I am grateful for right now. I am so blessed to be pregnant, and to have a healthy baby boy on the way; however, I was blessed before I became pregnant. I just wanted to remember this fact.

Holy Nesting Batman!

Anywho, I have been cleaning ALL day!!! The house wasn't even that messy, but I have been cleaning non-stop since I woke up. Plus, I cleaned alot yesturday too. Aparently, the nesting bug has hit me and I can't stop cleaning. Yesturday I didn't do a whole lot of cleaning, but I did manage to get some stuff done. Let's see....what all have I done??

Yesturday I...

Washed/dried/folded and put away 5 loads of laundry,

Cleaned out the fridge and freezer,

Cleaned out the toaster,

Cleaned the microwave,

Cleared off the cabinets and washed them down,

Cleaned the fans in our bedroom,

Wiped down the tv and computer.

Today I have.....

Wiped down the canisters in the kitchen,

Wiped down the Culligan water thingy,

Pledged the entire dining room set including the chairs and sticky rolled them to get the cat hair off of them,

Swept and mopped the kitchen and living room,

Dusted the entertainment center and coffee table,

Sticky rolled the couch and loveseat to get the pet hair off of them,

Cleaned the oven,

Cleaned the window sills,

Cleaned the bathroom,

Organized the laundry room and washed off the washer and dryer.

I am getting ready to.....

Sweep and mop the hallway and laundry room,

Do another couple of loads of laundry,

Clean up our bedroom,

and Vacuum the rug in the living room and the rug in the hallway then spray them with carpet spray.

That's all I can think of for now. Sometime this week I have to manage to find a way to get Brian to put all of his Army stuff away because it is all over the guest room. Once that is done I can straighten that room up again. Oh, and I also have to take down all of the Christmas decorations later this week. Sheesh....I should be exhausted, but I'm FULL of energy. They say that once you start nesting that you go into labor within a couple of weeks. I think this is an old wives tale, but I can't say I'd be dissappointed if it weren't!!! I can't WAIT to meet this little guy!!!! Only 26 days until D-day!!!!

Dr. Appointment!

Hello everyone!! It' Dr. Appointment update time!!! We saw Dr. Holland yesturday for my 36 week appointment (I am actually 35 weeks and 4 days). It was another great appointment. Brandon is doing great. His heart rate is excellent. I am measuring at 37 weeks, which is a little ahead, but completely normal. We asked Dr. Holland if he could tell what position Brandon is in. His exact quote was, "Oh yeah. He's head down, big time." I wonder if that is any inclination that Brandon is going to have a big head. Eeeek! I had my group b strep test done, and should get those results at my next appointment. We duscussed induction briefly because I would like to avoid being two weeks late since my family is coming to visit exactly two weeks after my due date. Dr. Holland said that at my next appointment, which will be my 38 week appointment, they can do an internal check to see if I've made any progress and if my cervix is favorable (meaning dialated to at least a 2 and starting to efface) then I can choose to have my membranes stripped. I doubt that I will be dialated enough to have that procedure done, but if I am, I will probably wait until my 39 week appointment because we are supposed to pick up the Roberts family from the airport the day after my 38 week appointment, so I don't want to leave them hanging. Plus, I don't mind waiting until 39 weeks to get things moving. The stripping of the membranes does not ensure that labor will start, but it does encourage the body to start dialating. So, that is pretty exciting. They went ahead and scheduled my next 3 appointments. The 38 week, 39 week, and 40 week appointments, so that is really exciting. It is so nice to be getting down to the wire. We are both so excited and cannot wait to meet little Brandon. As far as I am concerned, all I am waiting on is our travel system to come in the mail, and Brandon can show up any time after that. I am SOOOO ready to meet this little guy. That's about all the updates I have for you all. I will post another update after my next appointment, which is on January 4th. 30 days left!!!! Eeek!!!

38 days left...planning, planning, planning!

So, yeah, the title is correct. We have 38 days until our due date (and today is half over!!). We are SOOOO excited, anxious, and nervous to meet our baby boy. We are in the last stretch to finish any planning and preparing for Brandon's arrival. We don't really have that much to do, so I guess that is a good thing. We have our room set up with a pack and play and changing table. We would like for him to have his own room, but with family coming for 3 weeks after he is born, the extra room has to be saved for family. I'm sure that we will want him close to us the first couple of weeks anyway. We have lots of clothes, his swing, bathtub and toiletries, blankets, bottles, breast pump, diapers, wipes, etc. for him. The only thing we are waiting on is his stroller, car seat, bouncer, and some crib sheets which are in the mail. So, they should be here in the next couple of weeks. The only thing left to buy are some hooded towels, a diaper genie, and maybe some more blankets. Other than that, we are good. We start Birthing Classes tomorrow night, so that is exciting!!! Every Thursday night from 7-9 for the next 4 Thursdays we will be learning all about giving birth and the arrival of our little blessing. I can't wait!!! I've been saving some things to do so I can help prevent the insanity that comes with waiting to go into labor. I still have to wash his clothes. That's about it. I should have saved more things for me to do, but I have been so bored. I finished filling out the baby book up to this point, and I wrote my letter to Brandon. I need to order some pictures for his baby book, so I will do that this weekend. Brian has a longer to do list than I do. He has to clean out the car, give Emily a bath, and write his letter to Brandon. He's been in the field, so he hasn't been able to do these things, but since he is home, he needs to get cracking!! Don't worry....I'll stay on top of him!! :) So, yeah, these next 38 days are going to either fly by, or drag. I'm sure that it will be a combination of both, but it will all be worth it when we hold Brandon for the first time. Life couldn't be better.

I'm ok.

I figured after the novel of a blog that I wrote last time, I'd give you all a little update. Don't worry, it will NOT be as long.

Things are still the same with the majority of the situations that I was stressed about in the last blog. There really isn't much that I can do to solve them except wait. For anyone that knows me, that is extremely difficult for me to do. I don't have a choice in the matter, and I realize that, so I'm choosing to focus on other things at the moment. So, blah to all the negative crap that I can't do anything about.

I'm missing Brian like crazy. It sucks. Plain and simple. It's so lonely at night and during the day knowing that he isn't going to be home for another couple of weeks. 18 days to be exact. I'm doing a good job of staying busy though. School has me completely occupied. Any free time that I have, which isn't much, is spent with my dear friends. So, I guess the time is going by as quickly as it is going to. School ends on the 16th for me, and Brian will be back about 5 days later, so that's my light at the end of the tunnel. Just make it through school and spend the next 5 days preparing for Brian to come home and THANKSGIVING!!!!

Speaking of....have I mentioned that I am having the most bomb ass Thanksgiving EVER???????!!!!!!!! We're going to have a full house! It's going to be Ginny, Brent, and Dono Roberts, Sarah, Tim and Justin Cannon, Missy and Adam Donaldson, Sacro, and Brian and I. I'm SOOOO excited!!!! I can't wait to have a bunch of friends over to eat some yummy food and hang out. Yay for holidays!!!!

That's about it. I just felt like reassuring everyone that I'm not still depressed or anxious. I'm ok now. I just got a little overwhelmed and had to get everything out. So, no worries.

Brandon and I are doing great. He is kicking more than ever and I just LOVE it!!! He actually kicked so hard and so much today that it tickled and I couldn't talk because I was so distracted by his kicking. It was great. Everything about this pregnancy has been incredible. I really am so blessed. WE really are so blessed.

Ok, so I'm really going to go now. It's midnight and I need to get this little guy and myself to bed. I have A LOT of homework to do tomorrow. Goodnight world.

Ovverwhelmed....

The definition of overwhelm is to cover completely; to overcome by superior force or numbers; or to overpower in thought or feeling. That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Yet, I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. I am so blessed in my life and have so many wonderful things to be grateful for, yet I find myself feeling extremely overwhelmed and as a result, unbelievably stressed out.

My life seems to be moving unbelievably fast and there is nothing I can do to slow it down. I look ahead at the next few months of my life and try to grasp the gravity of the changes that are going to take place and I find myself in either a state of shock, or denial. Typically, I am very good at avoiding reality and putting a smile on my face and focusing on the positive. Living my life as an eternally optimistic person is what I am known for, and in some ways, what I am depended on for. This creates an enormous amount of pressure to stay positive and to never show any signs of breaking down or slipping. All in all, I don't mind being the positive one in a sea of negativity, or at the very least the sense of mediocrity. Though sometimes, it can all take it's toll on me and it generally happens at the most inopportune time.

That is the case today. It sucks.

I guess the most obvious is Brian leaving. Leaving for the field for a month, coming home for five days, going back to the field for two weeks, coming home for three months, and then going to Iraq for fifteen months. I understand that this is the life that we live, and this is what happens to those that are in the military. Do I need to be reminded of this fact, NO. I KNOW that the military seperates families and that I should be used to it. In many aspects, I AM used to it. I can run the house by myself, maintain the finances by myself, keep myself entertained, and generally survive day to day by myself. So, I have the basics down. Does that mean that I LIKE being seperated from my husband for varying lengths of time? No. Not even a little bit. Yet, it seems like when I am feeling particularly down and want to wallow in my sadness, I am reminded that I signed up for this life and that I should "suck it up." Well, THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, but that just does NOT make me miss my husband any less, and it does not fill that empty space in my bed at night. Nor does it fill up the empty space in my heart every second of everyday that we are apart. Maybe it is particularly hard on me considering that I am pregnant and I feel like Brian is missing out on this time in our lives that I feel is very important for him to be a part of. Even more so, when I think about the brief amount of time that we will get to spend together as a family before he leaves for Iraq and it just further perpetuates my inner turmoil. I am grateful that we will have those two months or so to spend together getting to know our son, yet I am angry that he has to miss out on the subsequent fifteen months of Brandon's life. Fifteen months taken from our family, and for what? What is the purpose? Ugh, I can't even get started on THAT conversation. It will just result in a spewing of political opinions and me feeling even more irritated than I already am.

Probably the next relevant is the whole ERD process that we are trying to get worked out. For those that are not familiar with this particular Army acronym, it stands for Eary Return of Dependants. When Brian and I decided to move to Germany, we were sent for three years. Although we were always aware of the possibility of deployment, we were hopeful that it wouldn't happen. Naive, yes, but that worked for us. Up until now that is. Now that the dreaded D word is official, we are attempting to take the appropriate steps to do what is best for our family. For us, that is for me to move back to the states once Brian leaves. We have many reasons for wanting to do this, and it seems like none of them are valid or "dramatic" enough to be warranted. For starters, Brian and I are supposed to move back to the states May 31, 2009 as per our orders; however, Brian doesn't even get back from Iraq until sometime in June of 2009. What is the point of me staying in Germany when we will just be moving as soon as he gets back anyway? Want another reason? Ok. When we were making our decision to move to Germany, we were told that college classes would be available for me to take while we were here. While this is not a complete fallacy, it is by default. Yes, college level classes are indeed available for me to take; however, none of the classes offered are conducive to my degree. Central Texas College only offers vocational classes taken to obtain a certificate in a particular career field, not classes that can be used toward obtaining an Associates Degree. So, I am forced to take internet courses, which are not impossible, but are not ideal either. That being said, it would be beyond beneficial for me to go back to the states so I will be able to PHYSICALLY take college classes. Still not good enough? Need more? Sure. Why raise our son by myself, away from any family at all when I could very well be near BOTH of our families? This would allow Brandon to, at the very least, get to know his extended family. Why deprive our families the joy of watching our son grow up when Brian is already being forcefully deprived of this? It just seems unfair. Unfair to me, Brian, Brandon, and all parties involved. I have more reasons, but they are more trivial and not really worth discussing. Aside from the fact that we are unsure if our ERD will get approved, we are frustrated because we can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone in regards to the actual ERD process. The Army is very "by the books" when it comes to the chain of command and going through the various steps of whatever process may be necessary to accomplish any given task. Though we realize that this is a necessary evil, it doesn't make it any less stressful. And, apparently, there are no general guidelines for these kinds of processes either. I was actually told that out of the two deployments that this post has recently been through that the ERD process was completely different for both. The first deployment, it was very difficult to ERD. The second time around, it was very easy to ERD. For this third deployment, it is still up in the air. WHY is it that there is no standard? WHY does the Army think that it is their place to tell spouses where they will live once their sigificant other is forced to be seperated from them? I am often faced with the argument, once again, that this is the Army life. Bullshit. Sorry. I just do not agree with this one. Yes, the Army may "own" my husband, (which I must say that I am completely against this phrase because no human being is ANYONE'S property regardless of the circumstances) yet they have ZERO control over me and how I choose to conduct my life. I am a good person. I am relatively responsible. I do not cause problems for the Army. I should be allowed to live where I choose to live. I am giving up my command sponsorship, therefore terminating my housing and forfeitting my opportunity to have a place to come back to in Germany once Brian's unit comes back from Iraq. As a result, if I want to be in Germany for the welcome home ceremony, I will have to pay for my plane ticket and room and board out of my own pocket. I understand this fact, and I embrace it. The bottom line is that it should be MY choice to make. Not the Army's. Mine.

Obviously less significant are the stresses of finances and just trying to be responsible and "grown up." Why is it that everytime it seems as if we are getting ahead and making the right choices, something just HAS to waltz in and screw everything up? I guess that it is just life, and there is really nothing that can be done about it, but dammit, I'm TIRED of this fear. Understandably, we should have more of a savings, and the fact that we don't is completely our fault. Got it. Being the positive, patient person that I am, I have the ability to let this roll off my back and look at the bigger picture. That picture being that once we ERD our financial situation will improve tenfold and we will be given the wonderful opportunity to fix some of the mistakes that have been made. Brian, on the other hand, is a very glass half empty, negative person. So, of course, this causes tension because I am constantly having to be the positive person and ensure him (any myself sometimes) that everything is going to be ok, and that we just need to have a little patience. Patience. Heh. It seems so obsurd that I am the one preaching patience. I have very little patience, especially when it comes to getting things that I want or need. Patience with children is like breathing to me, but I am incapable of being patient with myself. Perhaps I should work on that.

I guess the most insignificant, yet the most significant is school. I am currently taking two college courses online. After successful completion of these courses I will have 25 credit hours. I STILL have SO much more to do. It is such a daunting task. I know that eventually I will be done. I just am so overwhelmed by it all. There is all this guilt that I haven't done more to finish college, and while I am aware that the fault is not entirely mine, some is. I am to blame, even if just partially, that my husband is going to deploy again. I am to blame, even if just partially, that Brian is forced to stay in the Army to support our family. This guilt eats at me everyday and is compounded when Brian starts talking about his hatred of the Army. He has said that he doesn't blame me, so I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over this, but I do. I can't help it. I should be so much further along and it kills me that I am not. I just want it to be over with. I want a degree in my hand so I can start my career and so that my family can live normally without fearing that we will have to be seperated against our will, for an ungodly length of time, for a purpose that we do not agree with. It just hurts sometimes. If I had finished my degree before Brian had to re-enlist, we wouldn't even have to deal with this upcoming deployment, or the ERD issue. So, the issues listed above would be irrelevant.

Probably the least scary thing, yet the scariest change we have to prepare for is the birth of our son. We are both SO excited, yet terrified at the same time. I'm sure that these feelings are completely normal, so I am not extremely worried about this. It just seems as if we will never be prepared enough. I know that there is really no amount of preparation that we can do to be ready for him, but I want to do it all. We want to be the best parents that we can possibly be. We want to raise our son in a loving, caring, understanding, stable, secure home. I have very little doubt that we will be able to provide him with these things, but at the same time, I am terrified that it will not be enough. There is also the fear of the unknown. Will he be healthy, will the birth go smoothly, will the weather here in Baumholder cooperate with us so that we can make it to the hospital safely, will we have everything that we need for him, will we be able to take care of him? It is all so overwhelming.

Despite all of these fears and frustrations that we are dealing with, we are so blessed. We have such wonderful families and friends. I am amazed everyday by my friends and family. We have a wonderful marriage. We have food in our tummies, a roof over our head, a decent car, the best dog and cat anyone can ask for, and we are just generally blessed. It is just hard sometimes to look through all of the things that you have to get through and are scared of, to see all of the wonderful things that you do have. So, now that I am done wallowing and venting, I hope that I can start paying more attention to the blessings in my life. I am so out of my element when I am negative. I need to get back to my normal, optimistic self. I guess it helps to get it all out. If you have read this far, thanks. I just needed an outlet to vent and work things out in my head. I'm sure that everything will work out, it just seems so......overwhelming.

A BECKY update....

I thought that I'd post a little something about what I am up to lately. My life is so exciting right now, and that includes more than just growing a healthy baby boy!!!

First off, Brian and I have been married for 4 years!!! YAY!!!! Our anniversary was September 18th. It seems like SOOOO much time has passed since our union in the day room of the barracks. Four years seems like such a small amount of time, and in the grand scheme of things, I suppose it is. So much has happened in the past four years. We've survived moving in together, a year long deployment to Iraq, planning and executing a wedding, moving and adjusting to Germany, deciding to get pregnant, getting pregnant and losing the baby, successfully getting pregnant again, moving in Germany, preparing to become parents, getting ready for another 15 month deployment, and a million other things. We have had to say goodbye to so many friends that we left behind in the states, and yet we have been so blessed to meet such wonderful people here in Germany. It has definately been a whirlwind four years! To all of those people that thought that we would never make it, what do you have to say for yourselves now? We have both grown and matured so much in our relationship, and I can honestly say that it has been the most rewarding growth of my entire life. I know that we are bringing our child into an extremely loving, understanding, and humorous home. If nothing else, our baby will DEFINATELY laugh and know that he is loved everyday. So, yay to Brian and I for all that we have accomplished in these past four years.

Second, I am back in school again. It is SUCH a relief!!! I am still taking courses with CTC online, and though they are not my favorite, I need to get it done. It is amazing the amount of motivation and determination becoming a mommy gives an individual. I have this new found understanding that I am no longer taking classes for myself. I am getting my college education to ensure a better life for me, my son, and my family. That is SO important to Brian and I. I have to refrain from beating myself up for taking so long to get my ass moving in school, but luckily I am not a person that likes to live in regret. I am determined to push myself, and I WILL succeed. The only negative thing about school is the incompetent financial aid department at CTC. For reasons unbeknown to the majority of the rational population, their student loan policy requires a student to pay for ALL of their classes up front every term. Once the loan money comes in, that money is given to the student since their classes are already paid for. When I confronted the morons in the financial aid department, even they did not agree with the policy. I pressed the argument that if I HAD the money to pay for my courses out of pocket, WHY would I get a student loan??? Their response to this was, "Well, that is just our policy." As ludacris as it is, my classes had to be paid for, and thanks to my wonderful family, it is taken care of. It is still such a sore subject for me because of the sheer ridiculousness of the policy. Ugh...anyways, on to happier things.

Finally, I have started volunteering at the elementary school down the street from me. It is SUCH a wonderful experience!!!! I get to work with children in the setting that I have desired to work in my entire life!!!! On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I work with a different first grade teacher. Then, on Tuesdays and Thursdays I get to tutor children after school. The best part about the tutoring is that Brian does this with me!!! It's amazing to watch him work with the children. He is so talented and I can really see that it is his passion. It warms my heart so much. Tutoring is definately one of the best experiences that I have had to date.

That is about all that is going on in my little part of the world. Life is great. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people and experiences in my life. It just doesn't get much better than this.